Simbathe2nd's Xanga

The Friendship Misgiving

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 03:28:12 GMT

Friendship isn’t where you hang out every once in a while and text each other about your day. Friendship is actually taking a personal interest and investment in someone’s life who you think is worthwhile. Taking interest in their interests, supporting their dreams whatever they may be, and doing anything you possibly can to help them and be there for them. The word friendship has been grossly deformed and overused to where it’s replaced the term acquaintance. Friendship is so much deeper than the implications it’s given, and unfortunately true friendship, like the term itself, has been all but lost in our modern time.

Xanga: The Time Capsule

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:10:34 GMT

I've gone through so many changes in the last five years that it's almost given me whip lash. I honestly am not positive of anything anymore, except the fact that I'm open to hearing things through. This is the place that I think everyone needs to reach at some point in their lives, and I count myself lucky to have reached it so early on.

When I read through my previous entries on xanga, dating back to 2009, it's as if a time capsule has been opened. I feel like I started this blog at the beginning of my journey of self discovery, and I unknowingly documented each step along the way. I found entries that made me cry all over again, things that made me laugh, people that helped change my life, and passion that to this day I don't know where it came from.

Although I don't even agree with a lot of the topics or methods that I used in the past, I love that I had something to believe in. I found my voice here, my way of coping, and the people that helped open up my world view. It's been quite a journey, through religion and politics. World events, picture documents of my life unfolding, and helping as many people as I could along the way.

In my absence, I've questioned everything. My religion, God, Political view points, family, friends, myself, life, eternity, and many other things, and the only answer I've found is to keep looking. Honestly, if I was a hard nosed right wing, religious, zealot, that was 100% convinced I had all the answers and that everything could simply be explained away by the church and the Bible, I think I would be almost as miserable as being a crazy left wing atheist, that is sure God is a name to spit on and is as shallow as a flying spaghetti monster. The truth is, that you can never be happy, until you realize that life is a mystery, and it's ok if you never discover all of its secrets. Being able to view life as a huge picture of hundreds of view points, experiences, and people, is what makes life worthwhile to me. It's opened up a world of questions, and even some answers, but most importantly, it's taught me to enjoy life, whatever it throws my way.

So although it may seem like I'm rambling here, I do have a point. Xanga has helped document my ever changing, growth experience, and I'm not prepared to give that up. So I ask everyone, if you'd like, to start a new journey with me right now. If you want to come with me, I just have a few requests. 1. That everyone keep an open mind, and leave dogmatic surety at the door and 2. that everyone understand that I have the right to change my mind, because I'm evolving. I'm not the person I was two years ago, and that's ok. I don't disregard that person, but view him as a step in the journey that's made me who I am.

Thank you all for being so amazing

What we should take from Steve Jobs Untimely Death

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:42:06 GMT

It's been talked about, an obscene amount of times throughout the internet, but like most people, I was surprised when I first heard that the revolutionary creator of the Apple brand had died. Even though I knew he had health problems, I just wasn't expecting such a sudden departure. For whatever reason, it's common for geniuses to die young. There were some thoughts that immediately hit me when I heard about his passing.

1. Invincibility Complex

I was just talking to a friend about this fact. Everyone, to some extent or another, has an invincibility complex. I got in a pretty bad car accident a couple months ago, and people kept asking me how scared I was, and of course I was scared, but in all the fear and disorientation, it never crossed my mind that I could die. There's something in us that won't allow us to consider dying, even though rationally we all know it's inevitable. Deaths, especially at such young ages, always snap this into perspective for me. The reality that no matter who you are, where you are, or what kind of life you live, we are not exempt from the possibility of death. Sobering thought to say the least.

2. Money is Transitory

I've always contested the saying "Money can't buy you happiness" because on some levels it can. Ask any poor person and they can tell you how difficult life is with lacking money and how unhappy it can be. The term "can't buy happiness" may not be completely accurate but "can't take it with you" is a completely true statement. All that money could have bought Mr. Jobs any doctor or procedure in the world, yet nothing mattered in the end except a few things, which brings me to my final thought...

3. Never Forget What Truly Matters

There were a few things that in the even of his premature death, can be looked at as sustainable or worthwhile. Living your dream is something that's always been important to me and seemed to be really important to him. Almost anyone that's successful could be called "driven". They chase after what they want and love, and it ends up being what makes them successful and more importantly, happy. The other important thing is to bring joy to people, which he did in abundance.

In life I try to accomplish two things in life above anything else. Bring happiness to everyone I meet, whether through advice, laughing, joking, positive perspective, or just smiling at a stranger. If I can make a difference in someone's life, I would be more than happy to finish my life knowing that there was someone that was better off because of my existence. My second goal is to chase my dreams at any cost. If I were to die tomorrow knowing that I had passed an opportunity to do what I love or wanted I would feel like I had some kind of regrets. Living life to the fullest, chasing your dreams, and following what you love no matter what, leads to fulfillment.

Thank you Steve Jobs, for inspiring me, for bestowing your genius on the world, and for living life in the way that made you happy. You will be missed.

A Study in Adequacy

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:49:00 GMT

We had a project in our speech class the other day, where we were each given a paper with a list of different types of power a person can have, and each of us had to anonymously write down on a scale of 1 to 5, how many people we thought we had that power over. The categories were things like "People follow what I say" and "People feel like I can give them what they want" etc. Well there was one category in particular that I found fascinating, especially when the results were revealed. The category was, "People look up to me and wish they could be more like me". When the results were collected, not one person had put higher than a 2 for that particular question, which surprised everyone. Of course that set my psychological mind to work, analyzing what would cause everyone to underestimate themselves so much.

This class is a room full of a very diverse group of students from introverted, to skaters, to average, to athlete, and yet no one thought of themselves as someone that people look up to. Even those athletes with school pride behind them, or that girl that always has perfect hair and makeup, with expensive clothes, didn't see themselves as someone people think is "cool". This scenario told me two important things that everyone should remember.

1. No one thinks they're "cool"

No matter how many fronts they put up, how many nice clothes they wear, how much false confidence they have, or how much they put others down to boost their ego, EVERYONE when they're all alone and being completely honest with themselves, feels inadequate. There will always be someone "better" than you in some way, which is something no one wants to admit aloud, but everyone deals with internally. Never let anyone make you feel like something less because they have the confidence to act like they have no flaws. At the end of the day, jock or cheerleader, nerd or introvert, everyone is the same. This was proven, by the fact that when all honesty and anonymity are combined, we got the exact same result of inadequacy from every party involved.

2. Self Worth is in danger

Of course my initial emotion after these results was relief/satisfaction. Being the average person I am, it made me feel a sense of satisfaction that those popular, cool kids that are on a much higher social scale than me, had the same insecurities I deal with. After reveling in that thought for a bit it suddenly made me feel bad. There's always that plain that you can shoot for, of confidence levels and popularity so that you'd never have to deal with those pesky insecurities again and you could live socially comfortable, and this situation had just proven that those "plateaus" where actually just an illusion. This is when I realized that, interesting as it was, this had actually been a great loss for all involved. If we can't have confidence in who we are as people, and have the motivation to be a role model to others, than our self worth is seriously lacking.

The solution to all this is the realization that each of us is an individual and should never allow our self worth or confidence to take a hit because of a comparison to someone else. There's a reason the Bible says it's unwise to compare yourselves among yourselves. Each person is talented and flawed at something, the people that seem "popular" are just the ones that stopped looking around and starting using what was given to them, be it athleticism, brains, social skill, etc. The best way to feel down about yourself is to start looking around at people that "presumably" have it better than you, and trust me, we've ALL fell victim to that. Be happy as yourself, be an individual, use what you're good at, and stop worrying about what you're not good at. At the end of the day, we all are the same in our need to feel adequate, and our feelings of lacking, but it's the strong and successful that are able to overcome those natural instincts and care about themselves like they should.

Q and A

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 14:55:15 GMT

Someone recently asked me "How do you feel about homosexuals? Do you have any gay friends?"

My response was

"I do have gay friends, who are absolutely awesome. I’m a fully well adjusted 21st century American who thinks everyone has the right to pursue what makes them happy. I’m by no means a judge of what’s right and wrong for people to do, and as long as it’s not hurting anyone than be happy for God’s sake!"

I think that pretty well sums up that debate.

I Regret to Inform You...

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 23:58:42 GMT

I use to scoff at the phrase "No regrets", because it seemed like an absurd statement. How can anyone make it through this mess called life, without making those soul crushing mistakes, that haunt you, sometimes for the rest of your life. I know I have regrets about my past, and people have done much worse then me, so what dumb person came up with the phrase "Live life with no regrets"? As I grew older and thought about it more, I finally solved the mystery. The message of the statement wasn't don't make mistakes, but more of a, "there are no mistakes, only learning experiences" mentality. This is a revolutionary idea, that can change one's entire perspective on life. All this got me thinking that there are generally three ways people react to those giant mistakes everyone makes. We can choose one of the following..

1. Dwell On It

There are those that make mistakes, that for whatever reason they can't let it go. Granted there are some terrible things people have done, that they have to somehow find a way to live with, but dwelling on the past has never gotten anybody anywhere. The people that take this path, generally allow their problem to rule their life from then on. The one mistake they made then defines them and everything they do from that point on. It holds them back in their relationships with people, their performance in life, and their relationship with themselves. Self worth takes an insurmountable hit from this mentality, and they will live most aspects of their life defeated. Of course, like every "Good" human, they'll cover it up as best they can, but it'll be there for those willing to look hard enough.

2. Forget About It

The second type, forgets their mistake entirely. It's too painful to think about those they hurt, and too difficult to think of themselves as a "bad" person, so they cut ties to anyone involved in the mistake and bury it deep inside. There are a few main problems with this option, one being that the person tends to burn a lot of bridges to make sure their secret stays buried. The person has to continue to start all over, after they've successfully pushed away anyone that would know them as that "Bad" person. The second problem is that these people will usually be repeat offenders. The fact that they bury their mistake, makes them vulnerable to make it again.

3. Learn and Move On

The third is the best option, and something that I've begun to embrace fully. As humans we have to understand that, great or small, we will all make mistakes. Instead of pretending they don't exist or thinking about it so much that it controls a person, we have to think about it just enough to make a change, but not enough to lose self-worth. I want to reiterate the phrase "There are no mistakes, only learning processes". Life is a messed up flow of people, places, and events, that no one exactly has a tutorial for. Be it known that no matter how much people pretend to know what they're doing, everyone is in fact making it up as they go. If you can't learn from the mistakes you will make, then you have no chance of surviving life with your self-worth and adaptability in tact. Time is the great healer and learning is the preventative measure. We can't change the past, so the only good the past is to us, is a lesson. We live and we learn, and we hopefully improve.

Regret is a terrible emotion. It implies that there was something in our lives that we did, or happened to us, that had absolutely nothing but negative effects on us. This should NEVER be the case. Something can be taken from every scenario, every mistake, every random act that was seemingly unpreventable. Learning, education, improvement.

The Fear of Time

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 21:03:52 GMT

Life moves along at a break neck speed, whether we want it to or not. A moment is here, and then it’s gone. I fear often that I will not live to my fullest potential, or that I may be held back by fear itself. Sometimes I want to run from fear and even time itself. To find a place that is timeless, to hide and spend many lifetimes doing everything and nothing.

I once captured fear in a jar and set it on my night table. It offered to answer me any question in exchange for it’s freedom. I asked it, how I could escape it forever. “Impossible” it said, “You can’t escape me.” Yet, Fear itself had a secret. It told me it’s own greatest fear. That people would stop caring. You see it’s impossible to ever be rid of fear, but there is the possibility to disallow it to have any hold over us. If we stopped caring what Fear whispered in our ear, it would lose all power and be rendered useless. Fear was gone after that, not because It escaped, but because I let it go.

I next captured time and locked it away. The same day, lasted for an indeterminable amount of time and as I sat doing nothing, I began pondering with Time, the meaning of what I was experiencing. It told me that although I seemed to be enjoying my timelessness, I was missing so much. People’s lives were moving all around me, and I was standing still. “You don’t want to hold me, stopping Time is a great curse” What does a man have but the time he’s given? People can spend a lifetime trying to stand still, but in the end they’ll wish they had gone out and had an adventure and lived to the fullest. Even if I could imprison time forever, the world would move on without me. The only way to truly live is to embrace time, live the highschool, college, middle aged, and senior years to their fullest, and when it comes my time of dying, it will be the perfect end, to an incredibly life.

Live life to the fullest, let not fear hold you, and be the master of time, for only then can I live a life with no regrets.

Invictus

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

William Ernest Henley

Disgusting Society

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 23:56:42 GMT

A video of a sixteen year old being shot multiple times has acquired nine millions views on youtube in just a few days. Granted this video is a clip from a television show and the 16 year old is Justin Bieber, but regardless of the variables, it has caused me to question where we’re headed as a society. Hate in general seems out of control, and the fact that 9 million people would find such pleasure out of watching anyone get shot to death (fake or real) is disturbing to say the least. Many of the comments consist of "I wish this was real" and "Yess he's dead"

I don't really know what to say other than that I'm shocked, disturbed, and extremely upset at anyone that would take so much pleasure in that. Do we really need to wonder why there's school shootings and kids bringing guns to class? The mix of Hate, carelessness, and violence is extremely potent. Sick stuff.

Live, Laugh, and Forget Love

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 21:22:04 GMT

Let me do a quick example. If I wrote a post about Kim Kardashian's butt, or about how stupid Justin Bieber is, people would flock to my site like I was giving cocaine away for free, but if I did a post saying that I had a terrible day and needed some encouragement I may get five or six people that cared enough to actually say something. The rest would just think that I was weak and pathetic, or wouldn't know what to say. Forgive the cynicism but you know it's true.

The unfortunate truth is that society has molded us into these tougher than nails, party crazy, 24 hour comedians, where we never stop and just break our walls down in front of anyone. We'd much rather laugh with somebody, while they throw daggers at a 16 year old kid, or snicker as somebody does an entire blog about female anatomy than to actually do anything that would require heart, or heaven forbid...care.

So my challenge to you today is, instead of immediate clicking on a post that says "Justin Bieber looking like a moron...Click now!!" take a minute to seek out somebody that may truly need somebody to talk to or a hug and give it to them. regardless of how much we laugh and party, all of us have days where we really just need somebody there for us, and unfortunately most of those people aren't there, because they're too busy looking at the new "controversial" pictures of some random celebrity.

Gain substance or die trying and that my friends is my short little rant for today.

Together, but Alone

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 16:48:12 GMT

"Nameless, faceless, we walk together, but we’re all alone."

A smile is the best disguise and we have learned to use it well

We are constantly surrounded by people, but we only see each other for the masks and costumes that we wear.

Truth is trodden under foot, in honestly we don't want to know the truth about each other.

We live with our headphones in, making light of the world and laughing with those around us, but never dare to take a peak beneath someone's mask.

They sit on their lofty thrones, judging anyone who would dare reveal their true nature, while hiding behind masks of their own.

I pass a concerned mask, that hides a gossip. A happy mask that hides agony. A cool mask, that hides insecurity. A beautiful mask, that hides a hideous beast.

Those that refuse a mask, risk social dismissal, and live out their lives alone, judged by the masks that surround them.

If someone dared to rip my personal masks off I think I would cry.

Cry because of the secrets that would be revealed, and cry because someone cared enough to peal through my layers and find my soul.

Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to get to know the real me. Had the boldness to ask those personal questions. Most importantly, thanks to those who have seen the real me, and had no judgments. You are the reason hope is still alive.