I've gone through so many changes in the last five years that it's almost given me whip lash. I honestly am not positive of anything anymore, except the fact that I'm open to hearing things through. This is the place that I think everyone needs to reach at some point in their lives, and I count myself lucky to have reached it so early on. 

     When I read through my previous entries on xanga, dating back to 2009, it's as if a time capsule has been opened. I feel like I started this blog at the beginning of my journey of self discovery, and I unknowingly documented each step along the way. I found entries that made me cry all over again, things that made me laugh, people that helped change my life, and passion that to this day I don't know where it came from. 

     Although I don't even agree with a lot of the topics or methods that I used in the past, I love that I had something to believe in. I found my voice here, my way of coping, and the people that helped open up my world view. It's been quite a journey, through religion and politics. World events, picture documents of my life unfolding, and helping as many people as I could along the way.

     In my absence, I've questioned everything. My religion, God, Political view points, family, friends, myself, life, eternity, and many other things, and the only answer I've found is to keep looking. Honestly, if I was a hard nosed right wing, religious, zealot, that was 100% convinced I had all the answers and that everything could simply be explained away by the church and the Bible, I think I would be almost as miserable as being a crazy left wing atheist, that is sure God is a name to spit on and is as shallow as a flying spaghetti monster. The truth is, that you can never be happy, until you realize that life is a mystery, and it's ok if you never discover all of its secrets. Being able to view life as a huge picture of hundreds of view points, experiences, and people, is what makes life worthwhile to me. It's opened up a world of questions, and even some answers, but most importantly, it's taught me to enjoy life, whatever it throws my way. 

     So although it may seem like I'm rambling here, I do have a point. Xanga has helped document my ever changing, growth experience, and I'm not prepared to give that up. So I ask everyone, if you'd like, to start a new journey with me right now. If you want to come with me, I just have a few requests. 1. That everyone keep an open mind, and leave dogmatic surety at the door and 2. that everyone understand that I have the right to change my mind, because I'm evolving. I'm not the person I was two years ago, and that's ok. I don't disregard that person, but view him as a step in the journey that's made me who I am.

     Thank you all for being so amazing 

      We had a project in our speech class the other day, where we were each given a paper with a list of different types of power a person can have, and each of us had to anonymously write down on a scale of 1 to 5, how many people we thought we had that power over. The categories were things like "People follow what I say" and "People feel like I can give them what they want" etc. Well there was one category in particular that I found fascinating, especially when the results were revealed. The category was, "People look up to me and wish they could be more like me". When the results were collected, not one person had put higher than a 2 for that particular question, which surprised everyone. Of course that set my psychological mind to work, analyzing what would cause everyone to underestimate themselves so much.

     This class is a room full of a very diverse group of students from introverted, to skaters, to average, to athlete, and yet no one thought of themselves as someone that people look up to. Even those athletes with school pride behind them, or that girl that always has perfect hair and makeup, with expensive clothes, didn't see themselves as someone people think is "cool". This scenario told me two important things that everyone should remember.

     1. No one thinks they're "cool"

     No matter how many fronts they put up, how many nice clothes they wear, how much false confidence they have, or how much they put others down to boost their ego, EVERYONE when they're all alone and being completely honest with themselves, feels inadequate. There will always be someone "better" than you in some way, which is something no one wants to admit aloud, but everyone deals with internally. Never let anyone make you feel like something less because they have the confidence to act like they have no flaws. At the end of the day, jock or cheerleader, nerd or introvert, everyone is the same. This was proven, by the fact that when all honesty and anonymity are combined, we got the exact same result of inadequacy from every party involved.

     2. Self Worth is in danger

     Of course my initial emotion after these results was relief/satisfaction. Being the average person I am, it made me feel a sense of satisfaction that those popular, cool kids that are on a much higher social scale than me, had the same insecurities I deal with. After reveling in that thought for a bit it suddenly made me feel bad. There's always that plain that you can shoot for, of confidence levels and popularity so that you'd never have to deal with those pesky insecurities again and you could live socially comfortable, and this situation had just proven that those "plateaus" where actually just an illusion. This is when I realized that, interesting as it was, this had actually been a great loss for all involved. If we can't have confidence in who we are as people, and have the motivation to be a role model to others, than our self worth is seriously lacking.

     The solution to all this is the realization that each of us is an individual and should never allow our self worth or confidence to take a hit because of a comparison to someone else. There's a reason the Bible says it's unwise to compare yourselves among yourselves. Each person is talented and flawed at something, the people that seem "popular" are just the ones that stopped looking around and starting using what was given to them, be it athleticism, brains, social skill, etc. The best way to feel down about yourself is to start looking around at people that "presumably" have it better than you, and trust me, we've ALL fell victim to that. Be happy as yourself, be an individual, use what you're good at, and stop worrying about what you're not good at. At the end of the day, we all are the same in our need to feel adequate, and our feelings of lacking, but it's the strong and successful that are able to overcome those natural instincts and care about themselves like they should.   

     I use to scoff at the phrase "No regrets", because it seemed like an absurd statement. How can anyone make it through this mess called life, without making those soul crushing mistakes, that haunt you, sometimes for the rest of your life. I know I have regrets about my past, and people have done much worse then me, so what dumb person came up with the phrase "Live life with no regrets"? As I grew older and thought about it more, I finally solved the mystery. The message of the statement wasn't don't make mistakes, but more of a, "there are no mistakes, only learning experiences" mentality. This is a revolutionary idea, that can change one's entire perspective on life. All this got me thinking that there are generally three ways people react to those giant mistakes everyone makes. We can choose one of the following..

     1. Dwell On It

     There are those that make mistakes, that for whatever reason they can't let it go. Granted there are some terrible things people have done, that they have to somehow find a way to live with, but dwelling on the past has never gotten anybody anywhere. The people that take this path, generally allow their problem to rule their life from then on. The one mistake they made then defines them and everything they do from that point on. It holds them back in their relationships with people, their performance in life, and their relationship with themselves. Self worth takes an insurmountable hit from this mentality, and they will live most aspects of their life defeated. Of course, like every "Good" human, they'll cover it up as best they can, but it'll be there for those willing to look hard enough.

     2. Forget About It

     The second type, forgets their mistake entirely. It's too painful to think about those they hurt, and too difficult to think of themselves as a "bad" person, so they cut ties to anyone involved in the mistake and bury it deep inside. There are a few main problems with this option, one being that the person tends to burn a lot of bridges to make sure their secret stays buried. The person has to continue to start all over, after they've successfully pushed away anyone that would know them as that "Bad" person. The second problem is that these people will usually be repeat offenders. The fact that they bury their mistake, makes them vulnerable to make it again. 

     3. Learn and Move On

     The third is the best option, and something that I've begun to embrace fully. As humans we have to understand that, great or small, we will all make mistakes. Instead of pretending they don't exist or thinking about it so much that it controls a person, we have to think about it just enough to make a change, but not enough to lose self-worth. I want to reiterate the phrase "There are no mistakes, only learning processes". Life is a messed up flow of people, places, and events, that no one exactly has a tutorial for. Be it known that no matter how much people pretend to know what they're doing, everyone is in fact making it up as they go. If you can't learn from the mistakes you will make, then you have no chance of surviving life with your self-worth and adaptability in tact. Time is the great healer and learning is the preventative measure. We can't change the past, so the only good the past is to us, is a lesson. We live and we learn, and we hopefully improve.

     Regret is a terrible emotion. It implies that there was something in our lives that we did, or happened to us, that had absolutely nothing but negative effects on us. This should NEVER be the case. Something can be taken from every scenario, every mistake, every random act that was seemingly unpreventable. Learning, education, improvement.